Stores, oh how you cause emotional upset! Now to being this entry I have to state that I’m not a small girl, I’m not size small or medium but large. I got a butt and thighsthat aren’t easily missed about me if you are only looking at the body. Now I have often fought with myself on the issue of how I feel about my body. it’s been only the past year that I’ve come to some gribs of how we can go exist lovingly. But there are still days – like today – when we do not see eye to eye.
I went to the biggest general store around, a shop that has sections for electronics, clother, household items and foods. So I decided on some delusional state to go se if I can find a dress for the upcoming Ladies Night Ball at my husband’s lodge – little do I know whats coming out of that! I skim through few reasonably priced dresses – I refuse these days to buy anything that’s going to cost me more than 35€/43$ no matter how pretty, how bad the economy or how other’s think I should dress.I do find a really cute black frilly dress for 35€, kismet right? Well it just happens it’s slightly too big on the bosom area, but otherwise Perfect, and I can see myself paying for it. So I get dressed again fetch size smaller which is L aka Large aka Size 10/11 u.s now this one fits top half of me perfect but, and there always a but, the bottom half of it is too short, it showcases the least favourite part of me, my thighs.
Now as soon as I hear myself stating that I snap out of it and shake myself saying “I am not my body”, I do like all the rest of the dress, it’s so pretty with crinckly layers of frilly fabric, cute little sleaves, it’s nice, I look nice in it BUT then I look down enough again and it all begins again. Now I could recall this whole 10 minutes of mind cat and mouse but I’ll skip to the end of it.
I remove the dress, sigh, and feel defeated. I would have bought it if I hadn’t been on a lookout for a Ball dress particularly, and this I would not wear to a Ball, too short ( as a party dress it would have been fine, did I ever party to begin with ). Even though I kept most of my ego shield at place some seeped through the cracks and I can literally feel my mood vaiver, I become more stressed and easily agitated.
I go shopping for food feeling ugly and well un-beautiful, if thats a word. I do regogonice the plan though and refuse myself any comfort foods for the sadness and stress.
I am on my way out but very uncharastically decide to go by the flower and magazine section, I pick up to Pink Lily flowers and look at what the headlines on the mags are, as I don’t buy mags anymore.
Suddenly sometimes mentions my flowers, asking if they are real, talks to me about maybe getting flowers himself as summers approaching, I reply something accordingly.
Then he asks if I’m single.
I do a double take, and smile telling him No, I’m married, he smiles back and say that’s too bad he would have like to have taken me out for coffee had I been single, then he wishes me good day and leaves.
Now it didn’t hit me until I’m outside the store how wonderful this Universe is! The Universe regoconised I needed to be confirmed that I am beautiful, and just swell just as I am. 🙂
And Universe – Thank You! I love you too. ❤